MS. SMOOKIE BIJOUX ON DATING, YAHOO, AND THE TRUTH ABOUT SHOW BUSINESS

Ms. Smookie Bijoux sets the record straight  

In most circles I’m known as The Assistant, but I’m more than just an aide to author Gloria Joynt-Lang . Before I was hired to work in her office, I aspired to be in the entertainment industry. Let’s face it, I’ve got the looks and the talent. However, one of those Hollywood types labeled my behavior as unpredictable, and thus my career ended before it began.

To set the record straight, I did not pee on set. That’s just a nasty rumor. The truth is, I took a chunk out of some two-bit actor’s leg at the audition. The studio could have easily replaced the guy, but they took the easy way out. It wasn’t as if I went after the director. Between you and me, I don’t regret it. The guy made a smart-ass comment about his gerbil being bigger than me. Who does that? Comparing a rodent to a princess like me?

No airbrushing here. I really am this beautiful.

That was three years ago, what I refer to as the old days. Back then I received loads of male attention.  Dogs from all over the world were interested. I had Irish Setters, German Shepherds, Siberian Huskies, and even the occasional French Bulldog.

But lately things have dried up for me. I’m seven years old, which is considered middle aged for my kind. Sure, there’s still a few guys that come sniffing around, but they’re only interested in one thing. I’m earning serious kibble now, and I don’t need them stealing from my bowl.

YaHoo and me

There is one guy I might consider. He is from the accounting department. His name is YaHoo, and I believe he’s European. I heard he’s Maltese. He’s a bit nerdy but in a hot way. He lives with his parents. (He’s adopted like I am.) My only concern is that we’re total opposites. He loves classical music and spends his down time relaxing. I’m an outdoor kind of gal, and I love going for a run, kayaking, or chasing squirrels.

I’m also rather loud and hate it when others get into my space. He’s far more tolerant. He just stands there when kids come up to him. Not me. I hate those sticky pointy fingers jabbing me and pulling on my hair. I’ve gotten into trouble for snapping back. I never hurt the little ones, but I’ve made them scatter back to their mommies. They need to learn they can’t treat me like I’m their one-eared teddy bear. I’m not going to stand there all pretty and submissive.

 

I love this little pink dress even though it makes my butt look big.

I’ve always been a take charge kind of girl. It’s hard to be this way at times. Even though I’d love to pose for a fashion magazine, I won’t buy into what they try to sell us. You know the ones I’m talking about. The ones that airbrush their covers and then have the gall to tell us girls that we need to look a certain way.

I bought into all that crap years ago, but now I realize I’m beautiful just the way I am. We all did stupid things in our youth to fit in, and I’m no different.

I even went to finishing school. I learned how to obey commands, sit a certain way, and even do a pirouette like a ballerina. Sure, I was tossed a biscuit here and there, but overall, it didn’t get me anywhere. The executives in show business told me I was too small for dancing. They wanted someone with long legs. So now I just do my own thing. Like the young pups say, I do me.

Me with YaHoo, the guy from accounting. I lost my shirt playing strip poker.

Guess that’s what I love about YaHoo. He accepts me for who I am. He knows to stay away from me before I eat breakfast. I fully admit I’m a cranky bitch when I’m hungry. YaHoo is a sweetie. He came with me when I went for surgery. The doctor knocked me out cold and then pulled thirty-four of my teeth. Thankfully, my employer paid the bill as the doctor refused to take kibble. What kind of person refuses food?

Here I am working at the office. I had so much work to do, I didn’t even bother to take off my coat.

I heard it cost almost three grand and my employer wasn’t even smart enough to ask for my teeth. That doc better not put them under his pillow for the Tooth Fairy.  Sorry, I’m digressing. It happens often. I’m easily distracted. One minute I’m all wound up and the next minute I’m offered a car ride, and I’m as happy as can be.

 

My employer has been married to the same dude for over 29 years 

Getting back to the topic of dating, I’m not even sure if I’m allowed to kanoodle with a fellow employee. A lot of businesses have policies against this. My employer hands me a massive stack of paperwork every day. She doesn’t know, but I lied on my resume. I haven’t a clue of how to read. I usually stuff documents under my cubicle or chew them up.

I could ask her about the company’s policy on workplace romances but it’s almost as if we speak different languages. And even if she understood what I was saying, then she’d want to know why. Don’t get me wrong. She’s not the worst boss, but she’s always nagging or giving me advice. Her favorite is about my sense of fashion. If a girl doesn’t want to wear pants, it’s really no one’s business. 

And the last thing I need is for her to give me relationship advice. She’s been married to the same dude for over twenty-nine years. Geez, my grandmother wasn’t even around the last time this woman dated. She once referenced something called disco. At first, I thought she was talking about a frisbee, but I learned it’s a weird dance under a mirrored ball. That’s too messed up for me.

I don’t claim to be perfect. I have a few vices, but I’m working on it.

I helped my employer, who’s a writer, nail down the canine’s perspective

In our division there’s just me and the boss. No female co-workers to chat about my dilemma. So if you have any advice or suggestions leave me a message, and if you’re interested in checking out my day-to-day work life, go to  https://www.gloriajoynt-lang.com/ 

Just remember that my employer’s perspective is a tad jaded from the truth. Like I said, she’s a nice enough lady, but she’s confused at times.

You can also check out her books, Braking Hard and Beyond Circumstances. I’m a consultant on both of them. I helped her nail down the canine perspective in her romance novels. It’s easy for me because some of my best friends are dogs.

And keeping aside that the canines have only minor roles, I still love these books.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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